So the girls are sleeping, the house is quiet. This is one of the very few moments I have to myself. I can do anything right now (so long as it makes little noise and I can do it in the house!) but all I do when they are sleeping is either watch TV or live in the nonsense in my head.
On the outside I look like I have it all together but there's a dark little secret lurking just beneath the surface..............
Hold that thought. Chloe's awake and calling me. Be back when I can!
It is totally ridiculous that I haven't added anything to this since October last year!!! Blimey hec!!! What's that about??
There's a lot going on right now and my new project is to record it. I have lots going on in my life and I don't want to forget it. We have the antics of the 2 kiddies. We have so many activities each week it's not even funny. Henry is about to retire and we're thinking about the future. I've decided to run a half marathon. I am studying to become a citizen of this fine country. The grandparents are coming over to live closer to us as soon as we can make it happen!! We're trying to make another baby. I also need so see a therapist and can't afford the real thing so this is going to have to do!!
So the plan is to write a little each day. The plan sprung from attempts to improve my prayer life. In order to pray, I need to clear all the stupid nonsense out of my head so I can think clearly so this is my way of clearing my head. I can't promise it will be pretty. I can't promise it will be interesting (to anybody else anyway!!) I can't even promise that it will work but it should be fun to try.
So later today will be my first attempt while the kiddos are sleeping! :) See you then!
So yesterday was a bummer. See we've got this trip planned to the UK in December and we're going to be there for Christmas. We afforded the flights with last years tax return. Anyway, we had just enough tax return left to give us a bit of spending money while we're there. But then yesterday in the mail we get these 2 bills. Unexpected bills.
I don't know about you but unexpected bills are a problem for us. See, we went from both of us working to me staying at home when I had my first baby. I've been home for 2 years now. If you've ever done it then you know that the adjustment from 2 salaries to one is a bit of a shock to the system. In fact, I don't know what we did with our money! So, anyway, we have to budget pretty tight and we just about cover our bills and have enough left for gas and food. We don't have a comfort zone, or a buffer.
So, in the finish we had to use our last few dollars of our tax return to pay our "unexpected" bills. Bummer. Bummer. Bummer. Now we might not have any spending money at Christmas. Bummer. Grump. Grump. Bummer. Bummer.
So I was miffed, fed up, disappointed, bummed out. So, I went up stairs to get Bella from her nap. She had removed her diaper and peed in the bed (this is not the first time!!) then Chloe woke up and she'd had a blow out. She had poop EVERYWHERE!!! So now I had to change 2 sets of bedding and re-dress 2 children. Could this day get any worse? I sat down in the middle of the room and Bella said "Mummy I can take my diaper off".
I can see that. Grrr. But then I had a thought. Hang on. What if she couldn't? Think about that for a second. Instead of focussing on how crappy it is to change crappy sheets. What if she wasn't developing normally? What if I didn't have the money? What if????? Here I was with my 2 fabulous kids. Sitting in our lovely house that we can still afford in this economy because it comes with hubby's job. And it occurred to me that I was looking at it all wrong.
First of all - how amazing that we can even afford flights to the UK. And the unexpected bills? Well at least we can actually pay them! And so what if we don't have extra spending money? Who cares? What's really important? So yesterday was not a bummer after all. It was a day to give thanks! Thank God. Thank You Lord that I have exactly what I need.
It was a day to thank God that I have a wonderful family that are sooooo excited to see us.
It was a day to thank God that have 2 wonderful healthy kids.
It was a day to thank God that I have a gorgeous hubby who loves the hec out of me.
It was a day to thank God that my life is filled to over flowing with exactly what I need. Thank You God!
So we're walking home today when Bella stops me at the door. I'm loaded up with diaper bags and Chloe and in a rush to get lunch started so I could get her down for a nap on time so I didn't throw off her schedule, when suddenly she yells "STOP!".
I look back and she's standing by the flowers. "Don't pick them!" I call out. (Don't you find you always assume the worst or is that just me?) Anyway, she wasn't about to decapitate the poor flowers. Why did I need to stop?
"Stop and smell flowers Mummy".
"Stop and smell the flowers? Don't you see how busy I am? Whose got time to stop and smell the flowers? I have way more important things to do, schedule, schedule Bella".
Really? You thought I said that? Well it did cross my mind but instead I stopped for a moment. I stopped. I actually put the bags and Chloe down and I crouched down next to the flowers. Bella smiled up at me with that open, innocent sweet little face and whispered "Smell the flowers Mummy". I took a big sniff.
Now it has to be said here that they didn't smell particularly pleasant. In fact, does the garlic plant grow around here somewhere? But that wasn't the point. Crouching down next to her, I had a moment where I saw the world from her point of view. Everything is fresh and new when you are two. It's all exciting. Even smelling the flowers, noticing the grass, holding hands.
It really made me think. We're so busy rushing around trying to get stuff done that we miss the very things in front of us. The flowers, the grass, the trees, the moon the stars the sky. Even the clouds. Did you lay on your back and watch the clouds roll by recently? The beauty and greatness of life is not in the rushing around, it's in the pause. The moment as my husband returns from work that we share a kiss. The moment at night that I watch my kids sleep. The moment before I get out of bed when the house is still.
So here is my pledge. I pledge to slow down. I pledge to be really in the moment with my children. I pledge to be distracted by a bee buzzing lazily by or a humming bird drinking its nectar. I pledge to spend time looking at the stars and the moon. I pledge to swing high on the park swings laughing like a crazy person. I pledge to feel the wind on my face. I pledge to dance in the rain. I pledge to notice this awesome, amazing beautiful world that God made for us. So be warned if I am meeting you for any reason - I might be a bit late!
Am sitting here just longing to be physically closer to my home country but strangely enough it has nothing to do with the country itself. It's the people I miss.
I want to be able to pop in and see Mum for a cuppa. I want to call on to my sisters house for a glass of wine when her hubby is working. I want to hang out with Dad. I want to see old friends at the pub.
I want to be able to call people whenever I want. You know how it is, you have a moment to call a friend and you pick up the phone to talk to them. Easy right? But not when there is an 8 hour time difference and you have 2 kids who monopolize your time (not that I am complaining, I wouldn't have it any other way). I don't have much time to my self and when I do it's always the wrong time to call home (UK home). Then I feel guilty that I haven't talked to some people in so long. Then you get to a point where it's been so long that I'm embarrassed to call. I have one friend who is my oldest friend, who is about to have a baby and I haven't talked to her but once since I found out. It kills me. I hate it.
I'm longing to see my friend. I'm longing to hug my sister. I'm longing to cuddle with Mum. I'm longing to kiss my Dad. I'm longing.......
The good news is that the sleeping miracle continues to amaze me each beautiful morning when I can watch the sun rise from my bed! The bad news is that other traumas have been affecting my beauty sleep leaving me an even more weepy hormonal wreck than usual. (Yes - amazingly that IS possible) What can be so bad?
Well the other night I hear a thud. One of those ominous thuds followed by a "oh no" from the hubby. That's never good right?
'She bumped her head pretty good.' he tells me. I turn around just in time to see the blood gushing from her head. It was a flipping fountain. It was pumping out of her head. I'm surprised she didn't need a transfusion. Okokok. It may not have been quite as bad as that but it was pretty bad for the first time, super hormonal wreck of a mum that I am.
This is where it got interesting. I kind of split into 2 people. On the outside I was super efficient mum - I knew exactly what to do. No, really. It's true. I totally knew what to do and I did it without any fuss or bother. Placed screaming blood gushing child on counter all the while calming her with my gentle voice. Applied a cold compress to wound. Told hubby that we were going to hospital and even remembered the nappy bag. We were at the hospital 20 calm minutes later with a child who was laughing and giggling and flirting with all the people in the waiting room. See how good I am at this? I am super mum.
The inside was a different story however. That was where the totally panicked mum was: "OMGosh!!!!! I've broken my child. She's damaged. She's never going to survive this trauma. I can't do this. What the hec do I do now??? How come I can't breathe? Who am I? Oh no she's really broken! Where is the hospital anyway???" (That last one is true - fortunately I have a super hubby who knew exactly where to go).
I learned that I actually am a bit of both. I am a bit of super mum mixed with a bit of panicked mum. That's a good thing too. If I was just super mum I wouldn't be human. The bit of panicked mum keeps me human and not too over confident which probably keeps my child safer in the long run! So long live the panic that lives on the inside of me keeping me real and my babies safe. I am grateful for my dual personality disorder!